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Monday, September 5, 2011

The Yawnmower Man- The Directors Cut


Jesus fucking christ! Where am I supposed to even begin? This is easily the worst, most incoherent motion picture I have ever had the extreme displeasure of seeing. I've actually sat through it TWICE. I do not know exactly how I did it, all I know is that I am now endowed with a near supernatural ability to put up with any other bullshit that ever comes my way ever (or so I hope). Also of note: this is the first and probably last Laser Disc I will ever review, unless my friend Max brings out another one that I simply must view out of curiosity.

Here's the theatrical version trailer:


The theatrical cut was a laborious 107 minutes long. This expanded directors cut is 39 MINUTES LONGER, which roughly translates into making a bad film worse. Sure you can't polish a turd, but you can shit on it again to make the turd double the size. I can't even give you a plot synopsis because I'm not even sure what the movie is about. 22 minutes in it still wasn't clear yet which is a sign things just aren't working am I right? I kinda feel like the ilm makers took me out back and did me an extreme discourtesy...

Here's the best plot summary I can give you: I DON'T KNOW. 

No really, I haven't the slightest clue what the fuck this thing was even about. The film takes its title from a Stephen King short story which it shares absolutely no resemblance with. In fact, King was super pissed they used his name to promote the film and successfully sued the parties responsible. The plot simply drags and meanders enough to make you believe you are watching a movie and not a bunch of images and scenes slapped together to provoke coherent thought. There's someone in a chimpanzee suit wearing Lazer Tag gear to make you think about the future, and its not very convincing. There's also a lot of bullshit about virtual reality. Remember this was made back in 1992, when everybody thought it would actually amount to something beyond the puddle of drool left on your pillow when you have a particularly deep and restful nights sleep (which by the way is by and large more pleasant than sitting through this farce). Guess what everybody? its 2011 and VR technology is still bullshit! Way to go! "Another electric dimension" MY ASS!

The film has all kinds of strange plot holes. I'm sure most of them don't exist, but I was so bored that they happened all over the place. There is a really irritating sequence where Pierce Brosnan is holding an unlit cigarette for several minutes (for reasons we as an audience can only guess at) while talking through a megaphone that magically switches hands for no reason whatsoever except to make me even further annoyed. There's also lots of poorly done slow motion throughout to exacerbate when something "dangerous" or "dramatic" is about to happen or is in the process of happening. Sorry, but shithouse slowmo is not going to get me engaged into the drama of a film I already find awful, boners simply don't work that way.

Speaking of boners, what the fuck is with that awful CGI sex scene!?! I've ALWAYS wondered this. Did the film makers think it would be edgy or something? Because its not- ITS JUST FUCKING AWKWARD. The hilarity never ceases as Jobe (played to irritating heights by Jeff Fahey, what happened to him? Who cares.) somehow manages to cyber fuck the neighbor lady he's been slipping a length to retarded. That is something so very fucking dumb, even I couldn't manage to make it up in my deepest darkest drunk. Those of you who know know I am not kidding around here. If for some reason you were lucky enough to have never seen this, here is your chance:


AWKWARD! And above all unnecessary. But I'll give it this much- that scene is about the only thing anybody ever really talks about when the topic of this film comes up, so I guess that's something. This scene also illustrates another completely irritating element of the goings on, the film score. The entire thing is synthesized, and not in a good way. Don't get me wrong I LOVE synths, but not when you spent your entire film making budget on The Last Starfighter quality CGI (which says a lot, because this film was made EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AFTER The Last Starfighter) so you didn't have much leftover for other unimportant things like for instance, say a reasonable script, sensical editing, or decent actors. In fact, the liner notes on the back of the LD state that the SFX were done with a "revolutionary" technique involving transferring the film to video, editing it, and then transferring it back to film. I have no clue if this is how things were normally done before digital editing technology came around, but doesn't this strike you as a little bit more than awkward?

All of this nonsense added up to only one good thing- The Lawnmower Man video game for SNES, SEGA Genesis, and a few other platforms. Its really fucking hard to play (and at times to comprehend, much like the film from which it takes its premise) and every other level is cool looking 3D flying stuff inside the bullshit virtual world. It has a reputation for being one of the harder video games known to human kind. Also unlike the movie the soundtrack for this game totally rips. I tried downloading it but every link I found was dead. If you have it, please let me know.

Have a look at the game play below:


What else is there really left to say about this movie? Oh, I know- AVOID IT LIKE AN STD.

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