"I'm so hungry, I could eat a whore!"

This here is one of those strange urban legend like movies. Many have heard of it and know the titular whore eating line, but relatively few have seen it- much less own it. Rest your weary head, Microwave Massacre IS a real movie and if you like light weight low brow misogynist humor laced with some boob shots, then this film my friend is for YOU! Just take a look at the beginning credits for christ's sake:

Information about the production of this film is sadly scant (ie, pretty much non existant beyond the fact that we know it was made). Everything from the various (and difficult but not impossible to locate) releases it has had to even the trusty imdb.com state the film was made in 1983. Looking at the fashion, production value, and the soundtrack this movie looks like it was made in the late 70's and not released until a few years later, but I could be wrong. I believe the sources I see that say 1978 more than anything as far as a production date goes but who can really be certain about when it was released? If you know AND are reading this, TELL US!

The film is the final cinematic appearance of comedian Jackie Vernon. You may better recognize him as the voice of frosty the snow man from those claymation shorts we all watched as kids. The camp is so heavy in this movie I almost had to pitch a tent to watch it, which would have made this movie no less enjoyable. I don't often laugh my ass off during a movie, and this one (for me at least) was worth its weight in gold. Some assholes did a DVD release of this claiming the movie to be the "Worst Horror Movie of All Time". I CALL BULLSHIT. Sure its sleazy and low brow as hell but fuck you, and your bad taste! Look at the lame ass graphic design of the DVD when compared to the glorious big box I have pictured above (Note: this is my only Midnight Video vhs (so far) and the only big box I have with a matching clamshell with movie logo sticker on the spine!!! Midnight had a fucking GREAT logo and box art!):

Look at that and tell me with all seriousness that it does not look atrocious I DARE you. The Rhino vhs has a really really amazing box featuring lights and sound even! Much better effort:

Shitty DVDuh and awesome VHyeS packaging aside, let us talk about the movie just a touch. The plot circulates around our poor hero Donald (Vernon), who cannot stand his nagging wife's uber cuisine. He's bitching about eating crab at the construction site with his pals!? What's wrong here you ask? SHE MADE THE SHIT IN A GIANT MICROWAVE. It certainly doesn't help that his wife pronounces words like gourmet as "gore-met". Poor Donald finally loses it and bashes his wife dead with a salt grinder and in a fit of rage chops her up and leaves her remains in the microwave.

He finds her in the morning after his drunken bludgeoning, dismembered and cooked. For some reason he decides to wrap her in tin foil, and later winds up accidentally eating her hand. This gets Donald thinking about how good dead chicks taste in a hoagie. The rest is a veritable cinematic pot of gold chock full of oneliners, cheesy puns, fourth wall breaking, and hooker fucking/killing/making into a sandwich/eating. I'm trying to give as few jokes away as possible, because I really really hope you, dear reader, go and track this movie down and watch the hell out of it for all it is worth.

Sure the acting is pure camp, and the script is dry as a desert, but fuck it- A GOOD MOVIE IS A GOOD MOVIE. Don't bother looking it up on netflix, they don't fucking have it. Don't believe me? Go waste your time typing it in. The dvd is rather scarce so its a shame it hasn't had a proper release so wider viewing is possible. Maybe if someone released it without such a shitty cover with such an outrageously inaccurate quote emblazoned upon the front about how the movie is, THEN it could happen...

Here's to you, Microwave Massacre!