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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Dr. Giggles......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

When I saw this on the vhs rack at Value Village I was initially excited for some reason. I remember seeing the trailer for this when it came out back in 1992 and was admittedly curious to see it at least once start to finish. Little did I know I would have been better off taking a nap, doing some knitting, washing my bed linens, or pretty much anything else that didn't involve this cinematic bit of sick. Roughly 18-20 minutes in (this includes watching the two trailers at the beginning of the tape as well as the leader tape on the cassette) I was already starting to get bored, which is a really bad sign when a movie is only 96 minutes long (or as I should put it mercilessly 96 minutes long). I guess I will try and tell you about the plot next, at least as much of the 30 seconds of it I managed to remember. While I recall as much of that as I can how about you go and view the trailer at your own risk:

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I EXPECTING!?! I mean really? I'm glad this vhs release trailer is in especially poor quality, it matches the quality of the film pound for pound. The tag line for this movie was "A New Prescription For Terror". I think they meant Terrible for the last part, it surely must have been a typo. That or the terror you experienced realizing you just wasted several dollars on going to see this. Anyways the plot has something to do with some bullshit that happened in 1957. The town doctor goes nuts after his wife dies from a heart defect making him go raving mad mutilating people (there is some vague notion that he wished to do a heart transplant, but as none of you know the first one was not done until 1967) along with his young son until the town killed his ass leaving the fate of the also to be killed but never found son up in the air. This would have made a way better movie, but instead we are stuck with a cockamamey bullshit plot involving his son escaping from a mental ward that apparently failed to put out an all points bulletin upon immediately realizing he was gone so that he can escape back to his hometown of Moorehigh (huhu, get it? GET IT? more high, huh huhuh...FUCK) to begin his murderous reign of terror upon unsuspecting teens and a couple of adults.

I can't really remember more than that besides Holly Marie Combs being the main ( fuck it dude) character who happens to have a heart condition just like her mum did *gasp* just like the mad doctors mum had too! He then becomes devoted to giving her a heart transplant...*yawn*. I can't really remember shit about this movie. There's a lot of awful medical related one liners before and/or after someone dies and a score done by an obviously synthesized orchestra by some dude probably sitting in a studio with an E-mu Proteus feeling very proud of himself for his lazy and uninspiring musical achievement. There's real bad early 90's CGI during the opening credits. WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH THE EARLY 90'S!!?? Seriously, I think this movie represents many of the things I hate about Generation X- lousy fashion, mostly horrible music, you fill in the blanks.

This is a slasher movie, so we need douchebags (we do get a pretty supreme one in Lennon shades with a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off and a gross mop like hairdon't), and thankfully there's a few of those in there but my complaint comes with the lack of cuties. Really, Holly Marie Combs was the best you could do? She's just so plain looking. The 90's is full of notbabes cast in shouldbebabe roles such as (not a complete list): Laurie Petty, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Love Hewitt- ah fuck it you know what I'm getting at here. I don't know, but they could have at least picked somebody who's not super mundane  looking and at least was unique in some aspect couldn't they (and by that I mean someone remarkable for their notplainness)? Like somebody with a weird nose or unique coif? Slasher movies are supposed to have a few cute girls running about to get slashed and thankfully there's one in the mix who has a what would be a cool death... if this movie had the balls to show any decent gore. This has a (bo)R(ing) rating so I'm lost as to why they didn't bother to give the audience something to cheer about for at least 1/4 of a second. Come to think of it "hot" guys in the early 90's were also really boring looking and dully dressed, and this movie is absolutely full of them. BOO! Its probably a good thing that none of these concessions were made in the making of this film otherwise I would run the risk of caring about it.

You might have guessed by now that I found this shit pile to be BORING. It takes the idea of the tried and true late 70's/early 80's slasher but waters it down (as had been happening over time) into an insipid romp that frankly is worth well less than the cost to manufacture it. I'm not really a very big fan of comedy horror when it bloats itself to such proportions. Yes we all need a laugh but try and be classy about it because weak ass one liners simply aren't going to cut it. This is the lamest $1.99 I have spent on a horror horrible movie. That's what I get for wanting to satisfy my curiosity. Apparently there was a time where the dvd of this was selling on ebay for 90 dollars plus. What the hell were those people thinking? I honestly feel this movie could have easily been 78 minutes long if modern production standards didn't exist to cause movies like this to happen in the first place. Talk about a cure for insomnia...

Anybody want this vhs copy I reviewed? Email me for info and pay the shipping because you can have it. Serious- please get this thing out of my life.

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