Death Of A Hooker aka Who Killed Mary Whats'ername? (1971)

Hello one and all, I am once again back once again to give you more glimpses into the underside of the film world. I've been trying to track this one down for a while (partially due to its frankly exploitative title seen on the Video Gems VHS release below), and because I have a soft spot for movies with very odd casting choices that you absolutely KNOW FOR A FACT will not add up to anything a lesser viewer could ever hope or dream (for another example of this, see my review of The Ultimate Warrior that I wrote ever so long ago). In this case it is the absolute dream team of Red Buttons and Sam Waterston. What could possibly go wrong?

Frankly?

Not much, but that's only because nobody was trying especially hard in the first place.

As is often the case with films of this grade, I cannot seem to find a trailer for it under either of its titles for you to peruse, My sincerest apologies, I always hate it when this happens for something so far below radar it might as well be pushing up daises, but so it goes.

PLOT SYNOPSIS: Somewhere in a grungy piece of old New York a prostitute is murdered in her apartment (hence the title). Enter Mickey Isador (played to flaccid im/perfection by Red Buttons), a once notable but now long retired boxer (who we are repeatedly reminded is diabetic, by the way) being released from the hospital from a bout with the flu. He is told to convalesce but as we pick up way later in the movie he was apparently reading the paper and was insanely bothered by the dead prostitute and that nobody cared, and seeings how he "knows what it's like to grow up in a place like that" decides he will solve it. Along the way he enlists the aid of his daughter, a wet drunk from a dive bar, and a secretive independent film maker (Waterston). You know how private citizen crime capers go, there isn't much more I can really say here.

We all know Red Buttons as a comedian, and sure he dabbled in drama here and there, but he must have really needed a buck to star in a two-bit gumshoe yarn like this one. He delivers some dry and ultimately tired sounding one liners a few times during the course of the film, but you can tell he isn't trying especially hard here so long as he got some greenbacks out of the deal (I warned you about that a couple of paragraphs ago, didn't I?). As far as Sam Waterston goes, he's not really in it very much and isn't exactly the most important secondary character, in terms of heavy plot value he might as well be made of mildly soggy napkins. The only reason I can see as to why he receives secondary billing on the front of the box is that in 1986 Video Gems was banking on people recognizing him from his part in 1984's The Killing Fields.

You have to hand it to the person who put together the cover art for this one. It really gives you the idea of some sort of madcap chase in the streets private eye crime thriller, doesn't it? Or maybe some sort of buddy cop movie? While as I have stated before, it is only a three weeks old but still in use scoop of coffee grounds version of either of these things while also being remarkably neither. But in the end, that's what is really great about 80's VHS packaging, am I right? A cursory glance at the back of the box (containing a nonexistent plot point I will tough on shortly) reveals the source of the portraits of Buttons and Waterston: two grainy ass and partially obscured stills of both actors.

Take a look below:

Two things one can glean from this:

1.) It is obvious that the artist took an image of Red Buttons' face in which one third of it is obscured by a phone.

2.) Somebody didn't bother to actually watch the film to see that Waterston actually has longer shaggy hair in the film, not a short on the sides hairdo.

As the still is pretty shitty I guess you can't blame the artist for taking some artistic license, but considering it is a 100% reverse of the shot from the film and he has a really bored and disaffected expression on his mug, you'd think they'd pick a better image for an action oriented cover, especially since the majority of the crime solving is either spent by Red all on his own, with the dead hooker's neighbor (who is also a hooker), or with his daughter.

One thing I am curious about is the title. Originally I assumed that Video Gems had changed the title for VHS release (as was common practice to make something pop off a shelf in the grindhouse tradition), but when I finally saw it the "Death Of A Hooker title" (in the glossy, puffy font on the box) is right there in the beginning credits inserted into the title sequence. When video companies changed titles there was always an obvious ported in on grainy video title  inserted into the titles of a film, so maybe this one had a good title and an exploitative one? Searching the VHS title on the internet returns the aka title I listed in the title for this review, so the jury is out to lunch on this one, with no clear answer in sight. Although: thanks to a Video Gems Showcase Collection catalog I have from 1982 however, I discovered it also has a clamshell case release a few years before this one but using the original (ie, the aka) title. Why they would release the film at separate times with separate titles? Who knows?

The ending really leaves something to be desired. Red Buttons sits in a near diabetic coma (as foreshadowed several times throughout the film) when he finds out who the killer is, and you aren't exactly sure if the killer gets caught or not as it is only hinted at by sound effects which could be either the cops or an ambulance coming to save Mickey. The box, in true rental fashion, promises a "Hitchcock style program" and I can say this falls pretty far from the mark.

Conclusion? I'd say it is OK at best. Not exactly a repeat watcher (for me anyway) when all is said and done.

California Axe Massacre AKA Axe (1977)

***********************************************************************************************************ANNOUNCEMENT: Apologies for having been away for so long, but after over a year straight of writing a review each week I was rapidly approaching burnout and had to take a break. We're back, and we're bad. ***********************************************************************************************************

I watch a lot of movies if you haven't guessed already. Seldom have I actually sat all the way through one that turned out to be such a raucous test of my undeniable patience. Usually I will just stop watching (because I could be spending my time watching good movies instead) or I get shitfaced drunk in order to make things passable, but this one was a gift from a friend and I was therefore obliged to sit all the way through it just so I could see what's what. I regret that decision.

Since trailers are often inconclusive I will do my best to tell you what this was about. The plot is pretty much a cookie-cutter run of the mill deal full not of "total terror" but total predictability. Several murdering psychos are rampaging about the land killing innocent folks they come across at will. They come across a nice country and home and get more than they bargained for after they rape Lisa who begins to ruthlessly kill each of these scumbags in turn.

The title of this film is really pretty bothersome to me. It actually has several of them- the two listed above and others such as the very weak "The Virgin Slaughter" to the much more whimsical (and frankly better in my opinion) "Lisa, Lisa". The title of the VHS seen above is obviously trying to capitalize on the success of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre which came out three years previous to this.

This was done by using the following formula:
1. Name of a state to indicate location
2. Name of implement primarily used to kill during feature
3. Use of the word 'massacre' to imply unwholesomely large entertainment value for those of     us on the exploitative viewing tip

I don't believe this was done by the folks who originally made the film though, as the trailer provided clearly illustrates. I believe it was done by the company releasing the video to try and squeeze more rentals out of what they knew was a pretty mediocre movie to start with. I do not have a way of doing screen grabs because if I did I could show you the lame insert done during the opening credits with the new title that is done in cable access quality to show you just what I mean. Trust me though, it is nothing to write about on a blog write home about.

The pacing of this film is somewhere between grass growing and a three toed sloth going at a full on charge. It is easily one of the most boring horror films I have ever had the patience to sit through. Yes, European horror is generally pretty slow moving plot wise, but that is generally because they are busy building atmosphere where this film is just plain insipid. It is also NOT European. I could have more fun watching a scab harden than I could watching this ever again. The running time is an overly generous 74 minutes. I feel like the movie could probably have skirted by with being only about half an hour long. The plot content in this movie is pretty thin so the amount of crap shoveled in to try to pad things out a bit really doesn't help anything.

Character development is next to zero- which is never really much of a problem with a film like this, but considering the fact that it also happens to be completely bereft of pretty much everything else an entertaining horror flick is supposed to have I am more than prepared to hold that against it. When my friend gave it to me (he already had a copy) a while back he said "it sucks". I really should have taken his warning to heart but what else was I going to do NOT watch it to see what the fuss is about? Merely saying something like this "sucks" is not enough for me sometimes, and as you can tell I can sufficiently measure its suck factor.

"At last... total terror!" whoever came up with that tagline obviously meant it to mean this was a film filled to the brim with and unbridled amount of terror. Instead: I think they might have been thinking about going to go get lunch after finishing up one last tagline before digging into a decadent submarine sandwich the size of a zeppelin. Maybe "Really... totally terrible" would have been a better and more accurate one. Most people would counter my claims about this movie by saying "then why don't you make a better movie?". Well I have to be perfectly honest and admit that if I did go do that it would probably resemble this one to some degree and because I know that for an almost definite fact I feel it's better I not invite such an abomination into this world.

What else more is there to say really?

Oh yeah,

NO.

Vengeance Is Mine (Aka Sunday In The Country)

This is one of those movies you buy instantly based on the cover art alone without thinking about it. Most of the time it turns out total crap, but not this one oh no. Even a cursory glance will tell you this movie kicks ass, but I recommend taking a good long look. The manically angry visage of Ernest Borgnine brandishing a shotgun was simply too much for me to let it slip through my ultimately bewildered fingers. Unfortunately this is another one of those movies that has zero clips or even a trailer for it on the internet. If somebody would recommend a good A/V interface for a Mac to me I could have rectified this...

Have a look at the theatrical poster (One of several I have found pictures of, some better than other to be sure) in lieu of any other tidbits:

Plot synopsis: It's a sleepy Sunday morning out in the countryside of America. Farmers and their families are busy getting ready for church and all is quiet and peaceful. A carload of bank robbers from the city fresh off of a heist obviously gone awry murder an innocent couple, which later proves to have profound consequences when they try to hide out at a wayward farmhouse in their attempts to dodge the police. Unfortunately for these men, farmer Smith has his own very clear idea of how to interpret the law...

First things first, you probably noticed that the picture of my vhs copy and the movie poster feature very different titles (apparently it was also released under the rather enigmatic title of "Blood For Blood"). Considering the moral/ethical dilemas that take place in this film I feel the theatrical title is far more appropriate if for nothing else than its ultimately disarming nature. It's a pity the advertising wasn't equally different but if you confuse an audience too much they simply won't bother now will they? The main US theatrical poster unfortunately pointed out the rather light hearted title in order to attempt and draw more viewers.

Have a look:

I'm going to say this right now: this movie has pretty low production value. However enjoying exploitation/whatever films as I do I don't feel that this detracts from the film at all. The cast performs really well and quite naturally (the "crazy" robber is a bit over the top though) and the cinematography is actually pretty decent. The plot is well written enough to throw you for a loop repeatedly from start to finish. The wide open expanses and rolling hills of the country serve to both highlight and isolate all of the characters involved in a way city dwelling/suburban home invasion type drama can never really emulate. In the country neither party has anywhere to run to or hide and the stakes become that much higher. In other words the setting and atmosphere are of (in my opinion) seminal importance, much like the forest in my review of the film "Rituals" from earlier this year.

It's rather a surprise to find Ernest Borgnine starring in a flick like this one, but that was part of the appeal of why I wanted to see it. His character is an interesting one to say the least, being an aging farmer with very strict religious beliefs and worldview in the more relaxed and free thinking mid 70's. While his belief in looking after his own is indeed admirable, his bloodlust seems only further fueled by his dogmatic religious ideology as he quotes bible versus to justify pointing guns at criminals instead of calling the police as his poor young niece (who recently moved in with him while from college for the summer) begs him to to the point of hysteria. And to make matters worse his farmhand goes along with and defends his actions with total complicity. It seems the niece is the only character who really has her head screwed on straight and is viewing the world in a decent and rational manner.

I admit I am not entirely sure what this film is trying to say but I was reasonably entertained by what I saw enough to warrant repeated viewings for years to come (note: I have watched this at least four times in the three years I have owned it). It appears this film (not surprisingly) slipped under pretty much everyone's collective movie radar and I feel this movie deserves a little bit more credit. It's unfortunately another pretty decent movie of its era to fall into the inescapable depths of public domain. As such it is actually readily available on DVD and even vhs. Much like any public domain movie though the artwork fails to captivate anything near what the one pictured above manages to.

Here are a few of the examples I could find, some better than others...

The only release I have seen that is as visually eye catching as my Video Gems release is this one by none other than Paragon. These dudes are well regarded for their exceptional box art and this is no...well...exception. I apologize for the image quality but as I do not own this edition (I'm not some vhs collector scumbag that feels the need to own more than one edition of a damn movie on a single format) and the only high resolution image I could find was on a flickr page, so I had to knick this off of Amazon dot com:

This one is obviously a more bargain basement vhs offering. The graphic design is frankly quite aimless and doesn't actually appear to have a still from the movie anywhere on the cover. The picture on the right appears to be from the film "Emperor Of The North":

Here is one from Star Classics which has easily some of the worst airbrushed artwork I have ever seen. I'm not really sure what if anything to make of this particular edition:

This film has been available on DVD for a while now as well. Sometimes it's packaged as a double feature but is most commonly found on its own. Yet more insipid bargain basement graphic design. I wish these fellas would at least TRY for once in their lives. Again we are bombarded with images not necessarily from the film in question melded with lame countryside clipart:

So basically what I am trying to say is if you look hard enough this film is readily available. Being a rather obscure movie though it seems to just float on by with so much other flotsam and jetsam as litters many five dollar DVD bargain bins. If you see it lying about, I recommend giving it a watch- you might be pleasantly surprised.

Return Of The Alien's Deadly Spawn (Aka The Deadly Spawn)

Let me start off by saying the obvious- this movie RIPS! It's pretty hard to find a good horror movie that also has capable young/teen actors, and this one shines above many. This film contains many or horror's necessary elements for success in a practically perfect formula. It also wins for having some of the very best big box art of any vhs currently in my collection. Complete with rental store stickers still in place, this thing is a true warrior from the front lines of yesteryear. Continental was pretty famous for having full cover photography on their tapes, and I think this is one of the best I've seen yet.

Give the trailer a watch:

Plot summary: A huge meteor crashes into the woods somewhere in New Jersey (You just gotta love ANY movie that involves catastrophic events occurring in New Jersey!). Out of the crater emerge gross, highly dangerous, and toothy flesh eating worms. Carnage ensues as the beasts grow and grow, making this rainy day a study session a few school friends will never forget...if they manage to survive. The plot is really that simple, for many more modern movie viewers it is too simple. But why mess about with a formula that works? It's the very simplicity of the story that makes it so damn entertaining in the first place.

The creature in this movie looks so awesome. Yes, the picture on the front of the box is of one of the actual ones used in the film. Note I say ONE OF because this film is actually full of really rad and really well done puppets of various sizes to show the different stages of the creature's development as well as all of the various offspring it and others like it presumably beget all over the countryside. Sometimes the creature only appears in silhouette and shadow courtesy of flashlights and a poorly lighted basement which is a simple technique I miss in newer films. All You have to do is put a flashlight behind the puppet and move its jaws while filming the wall. It looks great! I don't think I've ever seen a movie creature with such an ungodly array of sharp teeth coming out of its mouth before or since. You definitely do not want to rub up against one of these fellas in a poorly lit alleyway, as it will definitely tear you to shreds and then some.

SERIOUS!!!!!!:

THIS THING WILL EAT YOUR HUSBAND AND TEAR YOUR GOD DAMN FACE OFF! For being a rather low budgeted horror flick, they really pulled out the stops in getting bang for the buck as far as creature and gore effects are concerned and that clip is still the truth. Nothing is sacred from this fleet of killing machines and their blood lust. Not even a vegetarian luncheon of octogenarians. One minute they're fussing over a ceramic giraffe the next moment they are hobbling for their lives. Not too many horror movies have old people as victims and I give major props for the film makers for not being too shy to throw such an inevitable occurrence into what is already a malaise of sporadic carnage.

Yowzers! This movie is also pretty well cast. Even the schlockiest characters pull their own weight without mucking up the proceedings. As this is a sciency type movie, several of the older teen characters are science nerds who have science boners for each others science if you know what I mean. Serious, the smart science nerd girl is a super babe. We also have the duncey hick like buddy who's hoping to learn something before the big test coming up but his cromag brain will obviously never comprehend. My personal favorite character is the little brother who's a major horror movie buff and amateur special effects wiz who manages to save the day after spending hours locked in the basement with loads of these grosser than gross aliens. The script is actually pretty well written for a film of its budget. It has plenty of silly humor thrown in usually coming from the adults in the picture which shows that (unlike the horror nerd little bro who has shit figured out more than people realize cuz he's stone cold like that) they are all a bunch of sub par morons.

This movie has several titles. Some people get confused by this, so let me break them down to you so you can get down with the business. The original theatrical release title from 1983 was The Deadly Spawn. Makes sense right? I'm on the fence about which title I like more- as in the version on the vhs I have or simply the theatrical title. The one on the vhs box has its own flair when the image is present but the theatrical title is by and large much easier to say when in mixed company. As I am obviously very conflicted, I leave this choice up to you.

Well to confuse things this movie is also known as:

-Return Of The Alien's Deadly Spawn (as seen above)
-The Alien's Deadly Spawn
-Return Of The Deadly Spawn
-And in the UK, Return Of The Alien's: The Deadly Spawn

The list goes on and on......

The Region 1 DVD edition uses the original title, but all of the ones mentioning the word "alien" in the title were all done apparently to try and capitalize on the success of Ridley Scott's 1979 masterpiece ALIEN. As home affordable home video technology was still somewhat in its infancy this makes a great deal of sense, but to all of us who came later it's easy to mistake these for different movies when the subject comes up. The Region 1 DVD at least has a cool cover. While it's not as good as the truly glorious uncut big box you saw at the beginning of this review, it does hold its own as far as mostly lame DVD artwork is concerned. It also has a smattering of really cool extras like an alternate opening sequence and reportedly two audio commentaries. Wait...why don't I own this too just for those......!?!

Look:

When one does a google image search for vhs art for The Deadly Sawn, you really can't find one that's a dud. Practically EVERY release of it had art that RULES. The Japanese tape was even in widescreen with Japanese subtitles and English dialogue! No matter what edition you decide on, you really cannot lose. If you  give a decent search via internet you can also find the soundtrack on CD which was a serious surprise to me. It's not very often B grade movies get a decent soundtrack release on any format, so I think you/me/us/we ought to do ourselves a favor and go pick that up too.

If you like B grade horror that will still kick your ass then this is for YOU.

THX 1138

For those of you who somehow don't know, this is the directorial debut for much hated/loved/hated film maker George Lucas from 1971. Based on a short film he made for college (with the copiously long title of Electronic Labyrinth: THX 1138 4EB), but with professional actors and a higher budget at the urging of Francis Ford Coppola and released as the very first film by Coppola's American Zoetrope production company. Needless to say the sterile, gritty, and dystopian science fiction story did not succeed during it's original theatrical run in 1971. Even after the first Star Wars film garnered Lucas popularity and he edited five previously missing minutes back into the film which expanded its running time to 86 minutes, it still faired very poorly.

After viewing this trailer, it's no wonder nobody bothered to see it. No sense of bleakness or foreboding (laden heavily throughout the film) are present, just that tacky repetitious voiceover. The film takes place in the far future when mans over reliance of machines and technology finally overtakes his common sense and machines take over the running of everyday life. Men, women, and children now live out their existence in underground cities. They are heavily drugged to stay sedate and obedient to the whims of the computers that control their every thought and action. Drug evasion is a high crime, but not nearly as high as falling in love- something THX 1138 (Robert Duvall) and his room mate LUH 3417 (Maggie McOmie) are about to find out...

Everybody knows about Star Wars. It's glitzy, optimistic, and reasonably budgeted. THX 1138 is none of these things. It's dark, riddled with social/political commentary, and decidedly not optimistic in it's vision of where mankind is headed. I think it's a masterpiece of lower budget film making. The filming locations range from the Marin County Civic Center to the then unfinished tunnels of San Francisco's BART system. Everything about it conveys a world that is closed, claustrophobic, and ultimately fascist in every way. George Lucas never made a film this dark or "real" ever again, and more's the pity. Even in interviews at the time he couldn't stress enough the claustrophobia of the world he created. So in true George Lucas tradition he decided to do what he now does best (besides resting on the 30+ year old Laurels of the Star Wars Trilogy)- re release it in a brief theatrical run and put it on DVD but not before he fucks with it digitally and adds a bunch of CGI bullshit into what was already perfectly fine.

That's right, once again he denied everyone the original theatrical cut on a home video format everybody wants it on. I do have to admit that some of the changes weren't actually all that bothersome. Maybe the most hilarious (yet still sensical) was the addition of the jerk off machine in front of THX 1138 while he watches the nude dancer on the holographic TV. I'm just imagining George Lucas sitting around the Skywalker Ranch and thinking that up, running into the development room and enthusiastically telling everybody it needs to be there. It makes sense because in this future, sex is punishable by death (and averted via heavy sedation anyway) so why would the computers allow people to just jerk off if they couldn't legally have penetrative sex in society? Touche' Lucas, you win that one at least.

Other changes made FAR less sense to me, like adding antenna and wings to the little lizard we see behind the electronics panel. Or the scene where Donald Pleasence's character comes across a rat on the city outskirts. Instead of a rat e get a REALLY poorly done giant centipede like insect instead, and I could only raise an eyebrow and go "really....?". Don't get me started on the replacing of the little people outside the city with awfully done CGI monkey beasts... I think what annoyed me most about his "director's cut" was the addition of wide open spaces in a film that really otherwise had none. These happen a lot during the car chase sequence at the end, with THX's car zooming to and fro through traffic. Guess what uncle Georgie? NONE OF US LIKED WHAT YOU DID, IT LOOKS LIKE CRAP.

There's a great 11 minute video on youtube that I cannot seem to embed here that shows comparisons between some of the shots between the original and director's cut versions. I highly recommend looking it up. One thing I DID find however was this great promo clip from 1971 talking about the shaving of the entire casts heads for their roles. Somehow I don't think it was too difficult for Donald Pleasence or Robert Duvall what with their already thinning hair...

Check it out:

Thankfully one can own the original cut but only on vhs and laserdisc. I am uncertain of whether or not the LD is in widescreen or not, but the vhs certainly isn't. Usually I don't find that terribly bothersome (though I do prefer widescreen over all) but this cassette was released in 1983, so the unusual framing choices used throughout this film rarely translate to how vhs prints were cropped during this period. Sometimes you wonder what's being stared at but having the original version is (I feel) worth it and I'll gladly take what I can get. I may not get the proper aspect ration, but I still get all the original film and no false CGI bric-a-brac. While dystopian science fiction that's bleak as all get out really isn't going to be everybody's cup of tea, I highly recommend giving it a try if only to see how cinema's number one CGI villain earned his wings. Definitely one of my personal favorites.

And just in case you were wondering where this film started from, here's the original student film I told you about at the beginning of this review. From a film making standpoint some of the film works and some of it doesn't, but the concept is definitely there. Lucas made this when he was 23 or 24, and made the feature length version at age 27. Too bad he fell off the boat, but as they say: the light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

Enjoy:

THE BLACK GESTAPO

When I first heard about this movie only two words came to mind: HOLY and SHIT. Balxploitation is already a mixed bag of themes but this one somehow managed to completely take the cake without leaving a single crumb behind. While this is not the most epic box art for this release (The Unicorn Video edition (I think that's it?) has the full original poster art on it) you have to admit its pretty damn noticeable. Plus, I only paid like two dollars for it- and got way more than my money's worth in sheer unbridled entertainment. Whoever put the 99 cent rental sticker right in the middle of the box art is a total schmuck. Way to spoil the greatness you turd...

View the trailer NOW:

I mean seriously, YES!  Can you really argue with a trailer like that? If your answer is no then go jump into your hotrod and hit the road. Plot synopsis time, you jive mutha: Watts is being run down hard by Mafia bosses and the pressure is too much for the citizens to bare on their own. A grant of money from white run organizations comes to the ghetto to form a force to help stop the problem, but manages to fall completely on its face due to lack of training and a decidedly non agressive stance. Malcontent about the severe injuries and a rape that occurs because of the groups inaction, the second in command of the group demands to form an agressive defense splinter group to counter. Little does anyone realize but once they succeed in erasing the mob threat that they become something worse than any mobster- they become The Black Gestapo...

Most Blaxploitation is pretty dull. Sure this has some flat acting and a rather pedestrian plot but I find the premise behind it all quite interesting actually. The Black Gestapo wind up using their power to run the very rackets they were supposed to destroy. They act for profit and gain as opportunists rather than the militant defense force they initially promised to be, leaving using their own violence against them as a last resort. Its actually a really strange reimagining of George Orwell's novel Animal Farm if you boil it down a bit.I do have to admit that this is all pretty much cookie cutter action fare and there really is no way this film can rise above its frankly absurd plot elements, but seeing a bunch of dudes in black fatigues giving the Black Power salute while we hear samples of WW2 era German crowds shouting "zeig heil!" over the top of it does have a peculiar appeal to anyone looking for something out of the ordinary. While I cannot find a clip of it, the opening credits is nuts too, with images of goose stepping German soldiers and a snippet of film of uncle Adolf that goes from black and white to negative to make him appear black before the movie title hits the screen shortly afterward, WOW! The closest thing I could find was this still image:

Other film highlights (beyond the those already mentioned) also include:

- A pretty awesome castration sequence
-Nazisloitation sleaze queen Uschi Digard as General Kojah's girlfriend

Apparently this film was released at some point under the title "Ghetto Warriors". I have to be honest with you, I like "The Black Gestapo" way better. This film is also unique for that fact that despite being a relatively small film it actually had a proper soundtrack release. This is pretty rare amongst Blaxploitation films as usually only bigger budget stuff from major studios (like the big time cash in of the Shaft series) got them, or if you were lucky enough to have a known artist do the score (Like Curtis Mayfield's amazing score for Superfly). An original lp for The Black Gestapo ost is really insanely rare, but some nice dudes a while back reissued it with a free full size movie poster so if you see it don't hesitate (like I did, much to my chagrin)!

The score for this is awesome, check out the theme song:

 There are quite a few different releases of this over the years on both vhs and dvd. The dvd editions are sometimes a double bill with a really awesome movie titiled "The Black Six" which has the distinction of being one of the very first all African American biker gang movies (check it out! I'll review it eventually!), and sometimes appears in box sets of Blaxploitation flicks you find for cheap on the value racks now and again. This movie has all the exploitation cinema prerequisites- action, an improbable plot developed with little cinematic knowledge, frontal nudity, hip dialogue, etcetera. Definitely a bizarre gem of a film if there ever was one. I recommend you pick it up!

BLOOD FREAK

Jesus fucking christ, what am I supposed to say here? Where do I start? Watch the fucking trailer while I attempt to think of something okay?

I know right? Now do you see what I was up against? This movie is a real train wreck that should never be watched alone. Plot: Super butch biker dude Herschell (played to grievous imperfection by short lived actor Steve Hawkes) is a lone traveller. There is a tenuous plot point of him being a Vietnam veteran and you only know this because the narrator (who I will get to shortly) and Herschell himself sort of kindainpassingbecauseitdoesn'treallymatter bring it up. He's his own man, cruising the Florida turnpike on his chopper until he helps out a wayward and gorgeous and christian motorist in need of assistance.

This leads him to a drug party where the sexy christian reads from the bible and harshes everyone's high and Herschell gets hit on by her loose moralled sister and a lady who looks like a low budget/no budget version of Karen Black. Not having any of it, he goes back to the christian's house where he meets with her dad, who offers him a job at their turkey farm doing odd jobs. Being a ludicrously butch and muscular type of a guy he dutifully accepts the appointment with gusto.

Of course he winds up being late because the sis keeps hitting on him and shames him into smoking pot and I think having sex. Oh no, what a moral dilema... Oh- I forgot to talk about the narrator! He appears every so often to keep us hip on what's going on with what is an already saran wrap thin story. He looks like a hipper Walt Disney who sits around and smokes in his imitation wood/vinyl laminate office all day reading cue cards off his desk that amount to would-be pithy speeches lamenting the human condition. I'm glad the director knew we needed this above all else, and then not bother to do more than two takes of any of his speeches and likely insisting that he stop mid sentence to light a cigarette and cough a bunch between words for the remainder of the scene.

Arriving and doing some incredibly minor this and that's, he is hoodwinked into an experiment that involves eating some turkey that is infused with some un named chemical that needs to pass FDA inspection. He eats like half the fucking turkey like a champ, and passes out in a seizure behind some bushes a short while later. Here is where the "nightmare" begins- I say that in quotes to delineate between the nightmare portrayed ON film and IN the film. He becomes more and more hooked on pot. Because we al know pot is super addictive and causes you to get the shakes and become violent when you need it and don't have it. As his drug lust intensifies Herschell metamorphosizes into a manturkey beast (that's just a really giant and awful looking mask put on Hawke's body) with a lust for drugs and human blood, specifically blood that has drugs in it already.

Murders commence that feature the same two scream tracks and a drug dealer gets his foot cut off with a circular saw. Check it out:

Herschell's blood/drug lust goes too far, and the potheads are getting pissed having to cover up for him and feed him copious amounts of hard drugs. They find and kill him. Then cook and eat him. Then we flash back to Herschell lying on the ground waking up in a chemical haze- IT WAS ALL A SHITTY LOW BUDGET DREAM. So dad tells the two farm assistants to stay hush hush about the heretofore dangerous and horrifying hallucinogen test they just did. Sexy christian's sister sees the error of her ways, and she walk off down the pier with Herschell as our misbegotten pro christian/uber moral/anti drug/anti sex horror movie rings to a sigh of relief enducing close.

What a shit factory. The first time I saw this I watched it by myself because everyone I lived with was boring. This time I made it through without severe boredom pains because two of my housemates and I watched it and didn't pay that much attention which is the only way one can really be entertained by this. I honestly recommend simply avoiding it all together which cannot be all that difficult for the majority of you.

Movie review aside, I would like to take this opportunity to speak about the short career of Steve Hawkes. He was born in eastern Europe and came to America as a teenager to pursue an acting career, he hit it off in a series of Spanish language Tarzan films which later proved to be his undoing. During the filming of one, the fire on set got out of control and he suffered burns over 90% of his body but was rescued by the lion on set that was trained to cut his bonds for the scene after the crew apparently fled. He had to make  Blood Freak and several other films (which are likely just as grievous and forgettable to view) in order to pay the bills for all the medical treatments necessary. A brief interview with Hawkes can be read here. Due to this experience, he went on to start a private big cat sanctuary, who's website (complete with an ultimately embarrassing spacing error on the home page that he likely never bothered to check) can be viewed here. Its interesting to note that despite being millions of dollars in the hole, he still refuses to open it to public viewing. Here's to you Steve Hawkes, best of luck.

The Ultimate Warrior oh sorry, I meant Disappointment

 

Not sure what to say here. I bought this a couple years ago at a comic book shop here in Olympia for $1.00. I have to admit, the audacity of a post apocalyptic movie starring Yul Brynner AND Max Von Sydow was simply too great for me to ignore. Plus I'm a sucker for big box vhs as you might have realized already, so I guess I was pretty much asking for it at the end of the day.

Plot:

New York city, some time in 2012. Apparently society as we know it ended some time around 1981, which means post apocalyptic fashion sense belongs to flared trousers, cowboy boots, vests of one sort or another, and belts made of a piece of rope. The world is full of scavengers, some of them resorting to cannibalism to survive. It is in this post consumer wasteland that we are introduced to Baron (Von Sydow) and his disparate band of survivors holed up in their several block compound. After a cursory introduction of the only other two characters that matter there, they notice a shirtless man Later naming himself Carson, played by Brynner) who has stood still there for at least a day already. At this stage it is worth pointing out that surnames appear to have been done away with, as everyone in this shenanigan only has A name.

Fuck describing the plot, this movie is pedestrian and frankly boring. The first half is almost entertaining in a weird low budget way, but it gets really fucking old seeing Yul Brynner stab people with a buck knife and somehow manage to kill them on the first stab every time. Observe:

Ya see that? You just saw pretty much every fight scene in the rest of the movie.

The sheath for his knife is mounted behind his back on some kind of stupid leather cummerbund. Poor Von Sydow must have really needed some cash, and likely used this as an easy opportunity to get his name into American pictures instead of on the masterful works of genius Ingmar Bergman. Brynner is barely trying here too- like much of his 1970's output he just stands about stoically and says direct/pithy declarative statements that precede an action of one kind or another.

The sets all look like the generic downtown New York/ old west downtown movies sets from the 30's/40's that we have all seen a million times only now with broken palettes and copious amounts of dust everywhere to make it look thrashed. The score has a bunch of noodly synth on it to make it sound futuristic and weird. Oh I nearly forgot, the villain's name is Carrot. Yes, Carrot  like the delicious vegetable (played by ultra cromag William Smith). He and many of his henchmen look like a bunch of wayward leather daddies who lost their biker gear once the apocalypse hit. To give you an idea of how lame of a villain he is, watch this:

Yeah, I just gave away the final fight from the movie, but I don't particularly want any of you to watch this film anyway. Seriously I'd rather you didn't. On the subject of the youtube clips I selected to illustrate: I realized just now that not only are these clips in widescreen, but also appear to be of DVD quality, which means someone actually bothered to rerelease this garbage (Note: it appears on a double feature DVD with Battle Beneath The Earth, but don't say I didn't fucking warn you). In fact I wonder how many people rented this particular copy even? I sure hope they got a good deal on that 5 day rental advertised on front. I can't help but think that the lion's share of this films budget went to catering lunch for everyone rather than the film itself.

I'll just come out and say it, this movie sucks.

Cut Throat Kommandos

Okay kiddies, its time for some nazisploitation! Here we have Cut Throat Kommandos (1969) aka The Cut Throats (as it says at the beginning of the actual film) aka SS Cutthroats aka She Devils Of The SS aka aka. These movies generally have about five titles as they all had multiple vhs/ theatrical releases over a span of years. As with any film in this misbegotten genre it contains a thinly veiled "plot" that is used as an excuse for soft or hardcore sex scenes involving men or women in nazi uniforms sexing it up with women. Sometimes in a brothel, sometimes a dungeon or a "love camp". It doesn't really matter that much as the genre is pretty much bullshit but can provide rare entertainment or multiple whatthefucks like this one did.

The movie was pretty much bullshit (try to contain your surprise please), but look at that big box and try and tell me to my face that its not a keeper. I mean really, IT HAS A HUGE FUCKING SS TOTENKOPF WITH EYE SOCKETS FILLED WITH DIAMONDS ON IT! Like any exploitation film worth its weight in horse shit, none of the images on the box have the slightest thing to do with the film at all. There is no sneaking up and knifing a guy in the throat, awesome SS mansion (The compound in the movie looks mysteriously like a two story ranch house in Utah or something, not a super secret SS planning base deep in Germany 1945, Germany doesn't have ginormous rolling hills of scrub land that I know of) or anything pictured on the back of the box even for that matter. The pictures are from other movies, which ones I cannot readily say, but I will hopefully one day find out and welcome any informative leads to aid in their identification. The third picture looks like an actual WWII photo! Wow VEC, you really hoodwinked a video renter or seven didn't you? Here's the back of the box:

The packaging is quite thematic, continuing the SS Allegemeine uniform black and white theme right down to the inner tray and tape label. I gotta hand it to 'em, they were thorough. There's even an SS dagger with the movie title in gothic script on the blade on each side of the box:

Anyways, enough ballyhoo about the awesome packaging as its time to talk about the tit shots (scratch that) I mean plot I mean tit shots. There really is no separation from the two at all so far as this film is concerned as we see tits and ass about every 8-10 minutes here (and that's an overly generous estimate, I think its more like 4-6). It all takes place somewhere deep in the non existant scrubland of Germany in 1945 near a super secret somebody's grandparents ranch house nazi base camp. A pointless character introduction is used as an excuse for a sex scene within the first four minutes of the movie. Flash forward to later and a rogue US Army officer is setting up a dirty half dozen type mission to raid said ranch house secret base. Unbeknownst to our would be badasses (except for the man behind the operation), there is a cache of jewells hidden somewhere on the base worth a million bucks. How does the audience find this out before anyone else? A sex scene of course!

I'm not even be sure it can be called a sex scene, it involves a topless woman giving a fat nazi officer a massage in a sauna then fucking his left foot. NOT JOKING. There actually really is no specific plot to speak of. But there is lots of tits, ass, and even a brief burlesque show for good measure. Oh, and I nearly forgot the erotic massage involving heavy sprinklings of that all too sexy substance talcum powder. The rest of the film could easily be summed up in the following sentence: "Ass and titties, ass ass and titties, shooting, death, ride into the sunset." THE END

Being a WWII enthusiast, I was obviously irked by the lack of attempt at reasonable German uniform/equipment accuracy. For instance, the SS NEVER used the black Allegemeine uniform for combat purposes! EVER. Besides the fact that one of them in the movie looks like they simply took an ugly black four pocket blazer and painted white piping on it everywhere- fuck it. Maybe the most baffling thing was the presence of a standard Kubelwagen with Afrika Korps markings... What's wrong here you ask? I'll fucking tell you what. This film takes place in GERMANY IN 1945, The Afrika Korps surrendered in TUNISIA IN 1943. Besides the fact that Germany has zero desert scrubland, there would be NO desert tan vehicles ANYWHERE in Germany- especially with the unique unit markings of a fighting force that no longer existed, FUCKING GOD DAMNIT. I know these movies are not meant to be accurate, but it just drove me so fucking nuts how could I not piss and moan about it!?

Watch it if you feel like it, that's all I can really say at this point.


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CORRECTION ADDED JUNE 2ND, 2011
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Some time after posting this, I realized that is NOT in fact an SS Totenkopf on the box cover but the type used by the German Panzerkorps. The SS version is noticeably different and also has a jaw.  I already knew this, whoops!

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a whore!"

This here is one of those strange urban legend like movies. Many have heard of it and know the titular whore eating line, but relatively few have seen it- much less own it. Rest your weary head, Microwave Massacre IS a real movie and if you like light weight low brow misogynist humor laced with some boob shots, then this film my friend is for YOU! Just take a look at the beginning credits for christ's sake:

Information about the production of this film is sadly scant (ie, pretty much non existant beyond the fact that we know it was made). Everything from the various (and difficult but not impossible to locate) releases it has had to even the trusty imdb.com state the film was made in 1983. Looking at the fashion, production value, and the soundtrack this movie looks like it was made in the late 70's and not released until a few years later, but I could be wrong. I believe the sources I see that say 1978 more than anything as far as a production date goes but who can really be certain about when it was released? If you know AND are reading this, TELL US!

The film is the final cinematic appearance of comedian Jackie Vernon. You may better recognize him as the voice of frosty the snow man from those claymation shorts we all watched as kids. The camp is so heavy in this movie I almost had to pitch a tent to watch it, which would have made this movie no less enjoyable. I don't often laugh my ass off during a movie, and this one (for me at least) was worth its weight in gold. Some assholes did a DVD release of this claiming the movie to be the "Worst Horror Movie of All Time". I CALL BULLSHIT. Sure its sleazy and low brow as hell but fuck you, and your bad taste! Look at the lame ass graphic design of the DVD when compared to the glorious big box I have pictured above (Note: this is my only Midnight Video vhs (so far) and the only big box I have with a matching clamshell with movie logo sticker on the spine!!! Midnight had a fucking GREAT logo and box art!):

Look at that and tell me with all seriousness that it does not look atrocious I DARE you. The Rhino vhs has a really really amazing box featuring lights and sound even! Much better effort:

Shitty DVDuh and awesome VHyeS packaging aside, let us talk about the movie just a touch. The plot circulates around our poor hero Donald (Vernon), who cannot stand his nagging wife's uber cuisine. He's bitching about eating crab at the construction site with his pals!? What's wrong here you ask? SHE MADE THE SHIT IN A GIANT MICROWAVE. It certainly doesn't help that his wife pronounces words like gourmet as "gore-met". Poor Donald finally loses it and bashes his wife dead with a salt grinder and in a fit of rage chops her up and leaves her remains in the microwave.

He finds her in the morning after his drunken bludgeoning, dismembered and cooked. For some reason he decides to wrap her in tin foil, and later winds up accidentally eating her hand. This gets Donald thinking about how good dead chicks taste in a hoagie. The rest is a veritable cinematic pot of gold chock full of oneliners, cheesy puns, fourth wall breaking, and hooker fucking/killing/making into a sandwich/eating. I'm trying to give as few jokes away as possible, because I really really hope you, dear reader, go and track this movie down and watch the hell out of it for all it is worth.

Sure the acting is pure camp, and the script is dry as a desert, but fuck it- A GOOD MOVIE IS A GOOD MOVIE. Don't bother looking it up on netflix, they don't fucking have it. Don't believe me? Go waste your time typing it in. The dvd is rather scarce so its a shame it hasn't had a proper release so wider viewing is possible. Maybe if someone released it without such a shitty cover with such an outrageously inaccurate quote emblazoned upon the front about how the movie is, THEN it could happen...

Here's to you, Microwave Massacre!

A Certain Sacrifice, how ironic.

Hello and welcome to the inaugural post of Fuckshit!- The Home Video Review! Enjoy yourself!




This movie is such a turd. A Certain Sacrifice starring none other than a 19 year old Madonna Ciccone! Filmed in 1979, released in 1985 when her fame was assured, and somehow managed to be released on Betamax and even a Region 0 DVD. Its only an hour long, which would have been better spent getting drunk to make stomaching it simpler and more enjoyable. You would think a poorly acted/directed rape-revenge movie ending with a satanic murder ritual featuring a soon to be pop icon that was shot on 8mm film couldn't be too terrible, but all I can say is it was less than awful but worse than bad. At least Madonna is topless in it a bunch, or I would have lost all interest much sooner. Alas, the old adage of "You can teach a new dog old tricks but you can't teach Madonna to act" once again rings true. Also baffling is the fact that all sides of the box EXCEPT the cover have the subtitle "A New Musical". By musical the director obviously meant "I can't think of what to do for roughly 20 odd minutes of my 1 hour movie so I should have random montages every few minutes with music over the top of it". It does however win for being the most delightfully colorful big box (packaging wise) I own so far. Another interesting item of note is the cover image. Look close and you will see that much of it is painted, as being shot on 8mm, only the section of the two faces and a hand were even in frame in the corresponding shot of the film! Ahhh, the 80's! A certain sacrifice is right, I sacrificed a certain hour of my life I will never fucking get back.